Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of distant. Distant from everyone and everything. I tend to zone out, I’ve put my guard back up. I’m protecting myself from something, what that something is, I’ve yet to figure out. It’s hard to act like everything is okay when it’s not, but it’s even harder to tell somebody what’s wrong, when you have no idea.
I feel lost, like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m missing a clue that’s right in front of me. I’m hearing what everyone is saying, but I’m not listening. I see what everyone is doing, but I’m not paying attention. I’m lost in my own thoughts, a swirling dimension where no sentences are forming, just words that can’t seem to be placed together. Smile, sad, confused, focus, hurt, distracted, happy, joyful, depressed. These random words, they attack me, they… they change my current state, they make me worry. But why, why can’t I control them, why can’t I push them out of my mind with all the good things I’m surrounded with. Why have I become a target of my own thoughts, and why can’t I defeat them.
I can see everyone and everything, and everyone can see me. Yet somehow, I don’t feel like I’m actually here. I feel as though I’m seeing everything through a glass window. I’m saying one thing, but another thing is being heard. I’m trapped behind this wall of thoughts, but only I can see it.
I need something to bring me back to life.